Things you don't say to a single girl

For my married readers, I decided to help out with a list of things you should avoid; last night was a classic example of ALL of these so I am particularly charged up about it right now.  I am so tired of the following:

• Why did you get divorced? Well sure, if you're asking this question then we likely don't know each other very well, so of course I'll offer up super private, personal details from my past...right?  Wrong.
• Are you dating anyone?  If I wanted to tell you about the person I am dating, I would offer up the information.  If I don't, take it as a sign.
• Are you still dating (fill in with person's name)?  If the answer is yes, please see previous response.  If the answer is no, you will inevitably feel the need to come up with a quick assessment of why you think it didn't work - which may or may not be ludicrous.
• It must be fun to go back to dating.  While the single life looks a little glamorous to some married people, I will assure you that it gets old.  I have been on more dates than I care to remember and sometimes you find yourself thinking, "I don't want to make conversation tonight; I want to be home in my pajamas".
• Why do you need maids?  There's just one person living at your house!  Oh really?  Just the one?  I hadn't noticed.  Because, jackwagon, I work at least 12 hours a day, try to keep up my house, and help with my family - adding dating into that means something else slips or doesn't get done, so don't judge me for being a single person with maids....that's just rude.
• How do you feel about (former spouse)'s new marriage?  Before making this inquiry, ask yourself how do you think I feel?  Warm and fuzzy?  You'd be wrong.  And if you think you're going to fool me into saying some snarky but truthful comment about what I really think, I have too much social grace for that so don't even try.
• Don't worry, you're really pretty so you'll get married again soon.  So based on this logic, only pretty people get married?  Let's give men of the world more credit than that.  Oh, and thanks, but that feels like a backhanded compliment; I know you meant it to be nice, but it still feels like a slap in the face.  Every time.
• I've met (former spouse's new wife) and she's great - that should be a compliment to you.  Really?  In whose world is it a compliment?  And unless I ask you if she's great, let's go ahead and keep that little tidbit to ourselves.

There are a handful of people that get a pass to say all of these things to me.  You know who you are - you know I love you and that we are close enough to have the conversations mentioned above because you genuinely care about the responses.  It's the random strangers or acquaintances that I speak to only infrequently that really surprise me with comments/questions such as this; they're looking for the gossip, the drama, the "oh my goodness" factor that is suddenly associated with life when you go through a major change.

Perhaps I should be flattered that to some people my life appears to be a made-for-television Lifetime drama.  Perhaps.