Seven.

So as of August, it was 7 years ago that I recognized in myself a need to have a baby.  I told my former spouse, who quickly discounted the feeling, and it was as if I suddenly knew (and strongly) that I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually ready to have a baby.

Then, things happened, like they seem to do....life changed, and now is changing again, but still I find myself here without a baby 7 years later (literally in this same house, same room).  Today we were with Chad's siblings and their kids, specifically a brand new baby from one of his brothers and sisters-in-law.  I think they are both very special people and have a beautiful baby girl - and I honestly feel so incredibly happy for them.

But, I am not in a place to be nearby it all.  No, I don't want to hold your baby, even though I know she'll have that warm, sweet baby smell that I love so dearly.  No, I don't want to wrap her in her blanket and rest her on my shoulder because at some point, I will need to give her back to you and remember that I don't have one of my own.  No, I don't want to face that this still isn't my reality.

As selfish as that may seem, I am in a weird place where my life has been once again delayed as we continue to wait for the wedding - and after seven years of delays, when I listen to people talking about their babies, pregnancies, feeding schedules, etc, I feel like I might scratch off my skin.  I have three pregnant cousins right now so it's full-on baby central around here, and all I can do it hold on for dear life and pray that they will all understand that I am deliriously happy for them, but doing my best to cope with the sadness of still not enjoying the feeling of being a mother.

I tried explaining it to someone tonight - and felt like I ended up sounding like God's most selfish human ever created.  It isn't personal; it's not about the people, it's about wondering why God's plan works the way it does - and sometimes the things we want the absolute most are the things that seem most difficult to obtain.

Someday I will finally have a family of my own.  I will have small babies to snuggle, console when sad, and love with all my heart.  They'll make this crazy, messy, challenging wait all worth it - and I'm sure there will be times when I will look back, fondly reminiscing of these quiet nights alone in my home, but for now I just want the next step of my life to happen.