One selfish girl

This is probably not worth posting, but my journal is not with me currently and thoughts are stuck like sticky honey in my head – and perhaps as you’re reading this you’ll think, “I understand and I’ve been there too”.

There are moments in your life when you’re so busy accommodating the needs, feelings, wants, desires of others that when you pause to say, “What do I need/feel/want/desire?” that is almost seems laughable to question, as you know it’s not the priority of your life. There are so many people drawing buckets from your well – an emotion drain, a physical demand, a time-intense request, unrealistic but expected needs, etc – and in an attempt to please them all, I find myself consistently missing pieces of myself.

I’ll find myself questioning, “Why am I doing this?”, “Who am I doing this for?”, “Is this what I want/need/desire?”, “Is this my version of happiness or someone else’s?” – and the answers seem unclear. There is such a fine line between trying to love and care for others vs losing yourself. And then even the thought of disappointing a loved one (or a respected individual at work), causes me to feel so intensely guilty and selfish that I put aside whatever self-centered thought I was experiencing and charge ahead with trying to meet the other person’s physical or emotional need/request. But perhaps that is simply what adulthood is supposed to be – shedding the selfishness of your youth and putting everyone and everything else ahead of yourself?

I so rarely feel as though I have the freedom to make my own decisions. In all reality, every moment of my life feels scheduled or programmed for someone or something else…i.e., I need to hustle to work early because project XYZ is waiting and it’s important; I need to call ‘Jane’ because she has been having a hard time and I should reach out; I should bake bread for ‘George’ because I have those extra bananas and it would be wasteful to throw them away; I’ve worked for 12 hours but should go home and work another 2 hours sending emails because people are counting on me to respond…..and the cycle continues.

Although these are decisions, they don’t feel like choices; I feel compelled to do these things, usually out of obligation because they “must be done”. Failure is not an option, and not doing them would appear as a failure in my mind. That sounds like I don’t want to do nice things for people….which is not true – I do want to do nice things for others, but sometimes it just feels overwhelming.

I am so drained. I am so exhausted from feeling as though working less than 70 hours a week is selfish. I am so exhausted from the physical and emotional demands placed on me by family members, friends, loved ones, colleagues, and even strangers. I want to feel as though I have time to simply read a book of my own choice or take a nap or have 5 collective minutes to myself that aren’t obligated for someone or something else.

Ugh….now I just feel like a selfish jerk. And thus the cycle continues.