If today was as intended....

If today was as intended....

I would have seen this last night.

I would wearing these shoes.

I would be holding these flowers.

I would be in this place.

I would be married here.

I would be with this man forever.

And it would be been absolutely wonderful.

But today will not be as intended.

Due to a variety of unfortunate circumstances, we have not received some official religious documentation to make today possible (for my LDS readers - sealing clearance).  We were very hopeful it would arrive in time - and thought everything would surely be in place, however it is not.  So 2 weeks ago, we made the painful decision to postpone our wedding until it comes through, rather than getting married somewhere else and then returning to the LDS Temple later on.

It was absolutely gut-wrenching and caused some of the most sad days I have experienced.  I believe we are making the correct choice in waiting, but I so wanted this weekend.  Manhattan is one of my most favorite places in the world and I couldn't imagine anything more lovely than a wedding there with our parents and Chad's kids, pictures in Central Park, and a precursor evening at Yankee Stadium against our biggest rivals.  But, apparently it was not meant to be at this time and in that place, so we are waiting longer.

With an unknown time frame.

The papers we need could arrive in 2 days or 6 months - the individuals issuing the paperwork don't give you a timeline.  So everything is on hold for an indefinite amount of time.

I threw away the announcements today.  And cried my little-girl-eyes out.  It seems silly to some of my friends, as they keep saying, "It's not like you cancelled because you were having issues.  You just need to wait longer - that's no big deal", but considering that we've been dating for 2 1/2 years, and engaged since February, this feels devastating.

We'll do it different when the papers arrive.  No one but the two people involved will be in attendance.  We'll quickly whisk away go to an undisclosed location, be sealed together, and finally start this next phase of our lives in union.  The phase where we are a family for real, instead of just being "the girlfriend/fiance".  The phase where I can stop running two households (his and mine), because cleaning his 5 bathrooms + my 2 bathrooms has made me nearly out of my mind.  The phase where you wake up next to that person when you have a bad dream, and they hold you to make it better.

I wanted the next phase to start today, and it is heart-breaking.