Standing outside "the fire"

So yesterday I had to let one of my employees go. And yes, if you're keeping track, that does mean I lost two employees in 6 days - although I maintain that Vanessa left because it was a good opportunity, not because of anything I did wrong......however I can admit that having two vacancies in one week looks fishy....

No details provided here of course, but suffice it to say that it was time for the change to be made and I felt very strongly about the decision. Despite that, I had my first official panic attack before it happened. I was shocked at how physically affected I was in preparation of the meeting. In the hour prior, I was short of breath, completely parched/cotton-mouth, and had the worst chest pains I have ever felt in my life. I decided to walk around the perimeter of the floor, thinking I might be able to calm myself down, but it was quickly apparent that I was not completely steady on my feet. I made it to the restroom successfully (as I thought I might vomit) then slowly made my way around the building, almost counting my steps, thinking, "Oh my goodness - I am going to pass out".

By the time I made it back to the HR office, I had regrouped a bit, but my HR guy honestly kept saying, "Are you breathing?" because I was so pale. Who knew that I had such a physical reaction when faced with an emotional stress?! That was a first - and hopefully last - for me (in terms of panic attacks and firing staff).

So we now have 3 of us doing the work of arguably 6 professionals, as we are waiting for Vanessa's replacement to start (in a few weeks), waiting for funding to create a new position that is long overdue, and waiting for proper documentation to be signed for our recent vacancy to be filled. Stressed? No, I am cool as a cucumber - except that I almost burst into tears about 4 times today at work. At one point, a colleague as mine asked (in front of my secretary) if I was sunburned - because apparently my face was flushed. Kayla quickly answered for me and said, "Oh no, she's just really worked up this week".

Yes, that's true. "Really worked up this week". Oh dear.